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Before last night's meeting, I was speaking with a fella who has about 100 days in the program. We were sharing about how Thanksgiving was for us. He told of his going deer hunting and how it was the first time he'd done it in a long time. When he used to hunt, it was with a cooler of beer. He was unsure if he'd enjoy it sober. He did.

I told him of my lifetime to-do list and how I started working on making some of those things ta-dones! (No, I didn't share that cheesy bit.) There are many things on my list that I'd never consider while drinking, nor would I have done not drinking for the hangover would have kept me in bed or on the couch. He was heartened to learn that there will likely be all kinds of things he will do in sobriety that were out of reach when drinking. He liked the idea of a lifetime to-do list and may very well make his own.

I absolutely love that POSSIBILITIES are endless now. When I was drinking, my life was so limited. I just didn't know it.

Please help me move along the path that I best fit in and help whoever I can along the way. Thank you for all these gifts, the pain and the joy, the lessons and the ability to learn, desire to grow and willingness to work, adventures and quiet calm, friends and family who love me no matter what and let me love them the best I can. I really love my life and am so thankful to have gotten so many chances to keep/start living it.

Happy Thanksgiving, my friends!

Thursday, I gave my phone number to someone new at a meeting.

Sunday, I received a call and was asked to be a sponsor.

This afternoon, I meet with my sponsor and we'll discuss it.

Tonight, I meet the newcomer at the 6:00 meeting and we'll discuss sponsorship afterwards.

Is it time to give it away? Maybe yes.

I'm not the best (there I go comparing!) when it comes to calling people in the program. I have started using a neat little site for tracking goals and that's helping me keep an eye on how long it's been since I have spoken with certain people. As an accountant friend told me, "Anything that is measured improves." I'm certainly improving on making these calls.

A program call can really help me get out of my head. Tuesday afternoon, I had a conversation that really got me into my head. I was aggravated and irritable. The conversation ended just as I was to leave work and go meet someone for discussion about a really cool job opportunity. I'd only met this guy once and very briefly. I certainly didn't want to show up for this quasi-interview with my ass on my shoulders.

As I was walking to the employee parking lot, my voicemail notification dinged. (I have no cellphone reception in the building.) It was a friend in the program asking for some advice about cellphone service providers. (hmmmm) I bundled myself into my car and made way to the Interstate. Then I decided to call her. I'm so glad I did. Our little 10-minute conversation got me completely out of my head and focused on how I could help her. When we'd squared away her concerns, I told her how much she had just helped me and why it was such a big deal. It gladdened her so to know that. Me, too.

I met with the guy and we talked for over two hours! It was a great meeting and regardless of the employment opportunity, I have made a new friend.

Last night I was doing some homework while at a coffee shop. It involves me delving into my childhood and listing positive and negative traits of caretakers and events of that time. It's really interesting the way a person pulls childhood into adult life. Anyway, it got a bit hard to do as I was considering so many things that involve grandparents that are now dead. I sat there and thought how I'd really like to stop by FA's home on my way home and just get a really good hug from him. I felt I needed it. But, I chose not to do that, for it'd be late when I'd leave the coffee shop and I didn't want to disturb him.

Lo and behold, about thirty minutes after I made that choice, there was a knocking on the window where I was seated. It was FA! Small miracles...

One of my (new!) little pet peeves is cross-talking in meetings; that is when someone is talking directly to someone else instead of to the group. When that cross-talking expands into advice-giving, I really have to watch myself. My snippy self can sometimes get frisky and the desire to say something like, "Thank you for sharing, Doctor." may slip out. (It hasn't yet...)

This was happening in a meeting I attended over the weekend and it started getting to me. About halfway through the meeting, the discussion ran out and we started reading the Big Book. We started reading "Acceptance Was the Answer," part of which is on page 417. (Used to be page 449) I like the page 417 part a lot, but what got me even more that night was the last page of that story. It so very well fit what was happening that night in the meeting and in me. Small miracles...

The secret I keep on hearing from the folks in this program with over twenty years of sobriety is to give it away. I think the secret of giving it away is that it keeps it fresh for me. I'm sure there's more to it, but for where I am right now, that seems to be a big part of it. Though I've not yet really sponsored anyone, I have found other ways to give it away. I have done and do varying amounts of service work. I say hello and introduce myself to newcomers and visitors. I answer my phone and return phone calls. Sometimes, I even initiate them! Sometimes...

I think one of the biggest ways I am directly affected by giving it away is through blogging. The past month has been a bit hectic and I certainly wanted a bit of a respite from here anyway. Still, when I look back on how taking the time to write something here, imminently profound :) or just how I feel, I know that this blog is an important part of my recovery. Thankfully, I have many important parts to my recovery and, when I fall short in one, there are others that help me stay on the path.

My whole world's aflutter right now and I'm trying to tune in and feel/see/hear/know the steps to take to keep me on the path that is aligned with God. I am praying for and trying to keep me out of my way. What's happening here is far too big for me to wrap my mind around and so immensely complicated, that for me to try to run things would be a tragic joke. Here's a sampling of what's going on:

• My job of over 17 years is ending in about 7 weeks
• MP and I are trying to sell our house and buy one in town
• I'm taking my small business full-time
• I'm in the running for a position that would have me travelling internationally for 5-10 one-week trips per year
• MP and I are working on our relationship, the one that was built on alcohol and is so different in sobriety
• FA and I are working on a relationship that's never been damaged by alcohol
• I'm working with the author of a book I am enthralled by, discovering why I behave how I do

Am I crazy? Yes. Am I sober? Mostly. Am I drinking? No. Am I making meetings? Yes. Am I isolating? No. Am I talking to people? Yes. Am I going to be fine? Yes. Am I fine right now? Well, come to think about it... Yes. Thank God.

Last night someone shared about how she was (her words) "fat and ugly" when she was growing up and how she always wanted to be noticed by the boys. I thought on that a bit and really related to what she shared. I have always wanted to be noticed by anyone and was always so self-conscious and down on myself. Granted, I certainly want to be noticed by the boys, but the girls noticing me is a nice thing, too! As I thought about this and listened to her share, it occurred to me that now I AM being noticed. There's nothing really physically different about me from about three years ago. My hair is longer and I (finally) have a full beard. Oh, and my eyes aren't bloodshot! And I don't reek of alcohol...

What has changed dramatically is how I feel about myself now. I think that has the greatest effect on how others see me. On whether others see me at all...