raanch

I don't have much to say right now. Don't know why except that nothing comes to mind that's not been hashed already. I'm doing pretty OK, a bit tired, but that's 'cause I'm back at work and bored to tears. Had a good weekend with MP; we worked on freshening up the rental house for the next tenant. Had a birthday get-together for my mother yesterday. We all spent the afternoon at Granny's home. It was nice. Meeting with Sponz in about an hour...

Don't drink. Go to a meeting. Call your sponsor. Have a good weekend.

Last night I left the gay meeting immediately after it ended. I usually stay for awhile, but I was uncomfortable. I don't quite know what I was feeling, if any one thing. It was likely a mixture of emotions: embarrassment, anger, rebellion, shame...

Two topics for discussion were brought up. The first was why everyone talks before a meeting and then no one shares when the meeting starts. The other was being honest with people about being in recovery. After a few people shared, I spoke up. I tried to speak to both topics and, when done, I felt egotistical. Look at me! See how good an AA I am!

I shared on how some folks at work read this blog and, though I've only told a couple verbally, several others know of my alcoholism and recovery work because of visiting my site. I told how I had a hiccup of fear when I decided to host the "stay in touch" site I setup for my coworkers on my main site's hosting account. I brief moment of fear occurred thinking about lots of coworkers reading this site and knowing more about me. Then it was gone and that was that. I'd rather people know I'm an alcoholic in recovery than know who I was before recovery.

Part of what I shared was on my little bar visit the night before. Much of what I wrote in the previous post is what I shared. Of course, there was someone that took a virtual swipe at me (that's how it felt, regardless of the intent), saying how he'd gone out because of such activity and left whenever alcohol was around. "I don't know about your recovery, but mine is too important to risk it." I've heard this kind of talk before and will again. I need to lose the sensitivity to it, because those who say it _don't_ know about my recovery. What gets me so is that I hear, "You're screwing up. You're gonna fail. Trust me. I know it. You're gonna drink again." I wonder why I react so strongly to this. Something to discuss with Sponz...

I feel out of sorts sharing when I don't have anything threatening my sobriety. Sure I have the varying occurences of threats to my serenity, but I get through those talking with friends, writing, praying and waiting. It's starting to feel inauthentic when I share in meetings. I'm generally happy and pretty much only have things to say that are positive about how the program has worked for me. It feels like it's gotten to a point of bragging. I don't like that. Part of me wants to listen for awhile and not share in meetings. But I know there's another part of me that needs to share to remain "a part of." Sharing in meetings is the only active part I have in AA and the recovery community right now. I've served quite a bit in a local recovery club and also held an office and board position there. I was my home group's unofficial secretary for a couple of years. I've been my home group's GSR. Now I have no such responsibilities, so I feel a strong need to speak up in meetings to still be active and not be on the periphery - be in AA, rather than at AA.

I'm open to being a sponsor; I think I want to be, but that opportunity's not been presented. I'm on the roster to take fifth steps at a local recovery center, but I've not been called. I suppose I need to find (or see) some way to volunteer and be more active again.

I'm not as comfortable in meetings as I have been and I want to be there again. I still have a fear of straight men, especially good-looking ones. I fear my looking at them, trying to talk with them, smiling at them, almost any normal interaction will tip my hand and they'll know I find them attractive and will be offended/aggressive/dismissive/hurtful. There are lots of good-looking men in these rooms and in hot weather... Well, there's a lot that catches my eye. I wish I could turn it off, but I cannot. I don't do anything more than most men (I just backspaced out "men" to put in "straight men" and reconsidered. My initial thought may be revealing in that I feel less than straight men and therefore don't include myself in "men.") do to women, probably much less, but I feel so obvious and endangered by that.

Sounds like a topic for another gay meeting. I wonder if it would fly in a mainstream meeting... "Feeling like I am not part of because something about me is so very different from almost everyone else..." I'm pretty OK in my homegroup and gay meetings, but when I venture out to other meetings, I am so self-conscious and anxious. On occasion, I do force myself to share and it goes well. (Though everyone sees probably every shade of red a human can turn.) But, just like last night's meeting (and especially if I came by myself), I am out of there like a newcomer just as soon as the meeting ends.

Praying...

"Assuming we are spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to do." --Alcoholics Anonymous, Chapter 7

Yesterday I went to a bar. I've been to a few other bars since I got sober, but this was a first.

A coworker told me on Friday that a former coworker would be here on Monday, visitng from Japan. There were plans for a get-together at a local brew-pub on Monday evening. I'd been to that joint a few times in my drinking days, when this former coworker, others and I would go out drinking. Heavy drinking on my part. I've never been much of a socializer with coworkers, especially large groups of them. When I did, alcohol was almost always available and I was consuming it. I was a fun drunk and it loosened me up enough to "fit in" and converse and be all witty and such. (At least that's what I think...) I have not gone out after work with coworkers in the 3+ years I've been sober.

On Friday, I thanked the person that told me of the plans. After work, I went to a meeting and someone asked for folks to talk about changing playmates and playplaces. A perfect in, so I shared what was going on and what I planned to do. My intentions were to not focus on it this weekend, to meet with Sponz on Monday at 4:00, to evaluate my spiritual condition, motives and such, and then decide whether or not to go. If I decided to go, to have support with me and, when I left, to go to a meeting. That's exactly what I did.

It went just fine. Frankly, had I not been in recovery, I'd likely not have gone. I would not have even considered going, for drinking would have been my priority and that would have started at home. The chances of me even leaving to go to the bar would have been very slim.

Now I did feel a bit awkward at times, wondering what to say (if anything) when the conversation lulled. However, not once did I want to drink. I was surrounded by people with alcoholic drinks (except for MP) and I was OK. Now, I certainly know I'm an alcoholic, for I was quite aware of the alcohol. I suppose that will always get my attention. (Hell, in the meeting last night, a woman drank from a big Perrier bottle and, for the briefest instant, I thought she was swilling from a wine bottle!) Still, the evening went very nicely. We stayed for a couple of hours, leaving around 7:30. No one was "partying" and it was nice to spend time conversing with current and former coworkers and their spouses. I'm glad I got to see my friend from Japan, for we'll likely not see each other again.

Interestingly, the meeting was a Big Book meeting and the discussion was on when Bill (about 6-months sober) was considering going into a bar and shortly thereafter decided not to and met Dr. Bob. (We didn't get that far, but I think that's how it goes.) The discussion was strongly on not going into dangerous places. Several times I almost spoke up about what I'd just been through, but I felt it would be taken as me being contrary. I just listened and many good things were shared.

Occasions like last night will not be regular occurrences for me. I do not plan to come close to making a habit of such things. I feel that when my doing such things becomes a habit, I lose track of my ability to choose whether or not to do them. When such things become habit, it will be entirely too easy for me to not evaluate my spiritual condition or motives. It will be too easy for me to take a drink or three. Then the damage is begun. Not done, begun. For I feel I could drink "successfully" for awhile, but I know that I will become miserable again and will likely be far worse than I was when I hit what I hope truly is my bottom over three years ago.

I find myself noticing more and more behavior in me I do not like. I see how so much of what I say (and emote) to MP is belittling and disapproving. I consciously noted this again last night and had the desire for me not to do it anymore. Lo and behold, within 5 minutes, I'd done it again. It's so habitual that I need a constant eye upon it to help change the behavior. Or perhaps I need to pray, asking that it be removed from me. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Yes, I no longer have the obsession to drink; it has been removed. But, my concept of God is not in line with many people's. The great grandfather in the sky to whom I make a request and it is granted or not just doesn't jibe with me. I think that my obsession with alcohol was/is "lifted" because I:

1. stopped drinking
2. ask for help to stay stopped
3. get help to stay stopped
4. use the tools I've been given
5. live more aligned with the Order I sense around me

I don't believe that my drinking obsession is gone because I asked for it to be taken away. I don't think there's anyone listening to my prayers, as such. I think they help me to align my thinking with the Order to things that is God. When my thinking is focused on that connection, my actions tend to "go with the Flow."

So, I think that repeated prayer on this is how I need to proceed. I don't think "shooting one up" is gonna get it. I think this is something that's going to require commitment, remembering to pray about it, acknowledging and apologizing to MP when I "miss the mark" (a.k.a. "sin") and maybe, just maybe, in time, this obsession will be lifted, too.

The meeting last night was one of the better ones. I'd never been to a meeting chaired by this particular person. He didn't let there be more than 20 seconds of silence before prodding someone to share and it kept things moving! When I chair a discussion meeting, I use 30 seconds as a rule of thumb. Then I wait about 10 more seconds (and that's a loooooong 10 seconds) before saying something. Almost everytime, someone speaks in that last 10 seconds. Anywho, this fella had this meeting a-poppin' and it was so recharging. It's not unusual for there to be long silences where the folks who've shared are looking around the room and the folks who've not are looking at their feet. Too many of these really drags down the quality entertainment value of the meeting for me. I can still come away from the meeting having heard something of great value and feeling recharged. However, I invariably leave an active meeting with a smile and a renewal of spirit.

Some people don't like meetings to be chaired like this and I can see from their perspective. If they don't wanna talk, being called on to talk can make them feel very uncomfortable. Still, I think that talking (even if you don't share) in meetings is a big deal. Even if all that's said is, "I'm just going to listen tonight," the act of speaking to the group helps make one part of the group.

I don't speak in every meeting I attend; sometimes I just listen. However, if I'm not in the greatest of spaces, often the best thing I can do is to share in a meeting. One thing I must remain aware of, though, is sharing inauthentically. That is, speaking moreso to be heard rather than to help me or someone else. There have been times I've shared and it's not come from my experience, strength and hope. It's come from my ego. Fortunately, that doesn't happen as much as it used to. Awareness...

One of the reasons I need to get to meetings is to not miss out on the gems that are related in some of them. I never know which meeting will have it, who will say it, when it's coming or even if it will happen in that meeting. BUT, when it does, it certainly catches my attention and I often write it down. It happened yesterday and I did indeed write it down. (My rememberer is quite defective!)

Envision a tightrope walker.
He (or she!) walks, runs and even skips across the rope.
He never misses, never falters - makes it just fine everytime.
He even does incorporates props like a riding bicycle or pushing a wheelbarrow and successfully traverses the rope everytime.
You come to believe that he knows what he's doing and is quite capable.
Belief grows to faith that he's going to make it across everytime.
Remember the wheelbarrow?
Will you get in it?
That's trust.

The third step is a big deal. It's like making a decision to get into the wheelbarrow. Now in making the decision, I've not actually gotten into the wheelbarrow. I've decided to. That decision is available to me because of what I think is one of the biggest gifts I've gotten and continue to get from working this program: awareness. If I am unaware that I can make a decision, then there's no hope that my thinking or actions will change. Yet, just as soon as I become aware of other options, of choices, I have an amazing power opened up to me. I can choose to think or act differently. It certainly doesn't come easily and my awareness first comes after the undesireable thinking or actions have occurred. But, as I work my program, my awareness grows and my thinking and actions start to change.

Turning my will (my thinking) and my life (my actions) over to the care of God, as I understand him, requires effort from me. I can say the prayers all I want. I can believe that my life will be better. But, I have to get in the wheelbarrow... and learn to stay there. Fortunately, everytime I get out of it, I can get back in. But getting out and in and out and in sure does make things a bit wobbly once we get out on the wire.

Writing, for me, can be therapeutic, but I find, of late, there are things I need to work through that are best addressed more anonymously. I started my first sobriety blog in anonymity and as a friendship grew with one of its readers, I found it harder to stay anonymous, to keep it separate from my "real" online identity. I chose to put it behind a password system and effectively killed it. For it is the knowledge that I've not only written my thoughts, but I've cast them out where they are viewable that gives a certain therapy to me. Even if there are no comments from readers, if there are no readers, there can be readers. Locking it behind a password imposes a barrier many will not make effort to surpass. rAAnch has been (and will be) a general sobriety blog - one where I have no anonymity and will not write some things that need working through, that need "speaking" to help the process. I've been toying around with the idea of creating a new blog and doing my best to make it truly anonymous. Perhaps that is a project for the coming days...

Thank you all who keep on coming here, reading my posts and making comments. I know I don't "visit" like I used to, but that's just how it is right now. It may change or it may not. My not visiting your blogs does not mean I do not care about you, nor does it mean I don't appreciate your visiting here. I'll visit again, but like a kid in a candy store, I can get caught up in web content and turn it into an obligation/addiction in a heartbeat. "Anything worth doing is worth doing 'til it kills me!"

Feel some peace. Know some love. Share them.

Last night, I went to the first meeting I've been to since Saturday night. In it, I shared about how I attended meetings daily for a very long time and how that created a habit of going to meetings that served me very well. I shared that I have not been going to meetings as much over the past many months and I've noticed a change in me. I was going to 2 or 3 a week, but this past week is pretty ridiculous. I told of how I've been working my program, talking with my sponsor, praying, doing my online recovery thing and such, but my meeting attendance has declined. I need meetings. Though many of my friends are in recovery, hanging out with them is not a meeting. I need to immerse myself regularly in a group of drunks, who know how I think and who tell my story when telling theirs. It makes a big difference. I must do better if I want to be better.

We end many of our meetings with many folks saying, "It works if you work it, but you've got to work it everyday." I usually say, "It works if you work it and it sucks if you don't." I've been exeriencing some suckage lately. Ya think that might be because regularly going to meetings is part of working it?

What to say when you don't know what to say???

Doing a bit better in the head. Still feel tired and a bit cruddy. Watched a movie yesterday, right after work: An Inconvenient Truth. It was OK. I'll likely write about it on my main blog. Ate dinner with FA and then we went to the bookstore to pick up a couple of copies of 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives, a book I've been reading and want to chat about with others. FA's going to read it and I'm sending a copy to BDJ. I look forward to it. The only book discussions I've had for a long time have been on Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12 & 12.

Watched Nanny McPhee last night; it was cute. I do like Emma Thompson.

The site I set up a few days ago has seen some activity and kind words. However, since it's hosted on my site, there are some questions arising. (It's got its own domain name. That domain is directed to a folder under my domain.) It was the only way I could provide the service without spending more than I already had. Since it's been generally favorably received, the company or a group of employees may spend the money required to host it in its own space. I've bowed out of the wrangling on that discussion, saying I'll help when they decide what they want to do. It seems that being nice or trying to help out invariably brings complications and/or expectations of more. meh...

Not happy, not sad... Simmering, I guess...

After staying home yesterday, sleeping away the day and draining the movies from my DVR, I'm feeling a bit better, though still tired and wee bit cranky. As I was about to go to bed last night, I received an email from a local person in the program. I had answered some of her PC questions a few weeks ago and she had lost my email address. She Googled my name, pc and the name of our city and found my main personal site. After spending some time there, she sent me a wonderful little note about it. It put a smile on my face - a good way to go to bed. Sleep didn't happen much, but I had slept a lot during the day and (like a fool) drank a big McDonald's iced tea around 8:00. Still, I rested more and, though getting up this morning was still much harder than usual, I did and came into work.

Sponz and I had a good talk on Monday - started working on my list of character defects (I did it before we met!) and discussed how we'll work with the list. We talked about all the uncertainty right now. I told of how I'm still trying to hand it all over and am still praying and feeling my connection, but how I sometimes catch a glimpse of the enormity of all that's going on around me. In those glimpses, I see how eveything can go wrong rather than right. I'm not living in acceptance, rather I'm judging good and bad, right and wrong. BUT, I'm working on it; I'm still willing...

FA and I had a good talk. I love being able to talk with someone so openly and honestly and receive the same from them. It's happening more and more with MP and I find it more prevalent in my daily affairs.

I'm in a general state of dis-ease. Being physically ill is certainly part of it; I'm simply weak and tired. (I'm treating the symptoms, dammit. There's no point in me even calling my doctor until I've presented symptoms for 10 days. He won't prescribe any meds until then. Yes, it's a minor resentment.) I feel unhappy with me for not exercising and dieting lately, for not doing my physical therapy exercises. I'm supposed to list my character defects as homework from my sponsor - I haven't done it.

I'm afraid of moving back into the old house; I don't want to get stuck there. We're considering selling our current home and moving into the rental house, for its lease expires at the end of July and the tenants don't want to renew. It's 9 miles further from town than our current home and is a major step down from what we are living in now. By selling our home and moving into the rental house, we can bide our time and find the house we want in town. That way, we won't have to finagle with purchasing contingent on our current house selling. It's a good plan, but I'm afraid of losing what I have and not getting what I want.

FA is in a funk and that always messes with me. It still bothers me when I call him and he doesn't return my call. I know he does it to everyone, but I just want to know he's physically OK. It scares me to think of something happening to him and no one knowing for awhile because he regularly drops off the face of the earth. I don't want to detach from him, but his actions keep pushing me away. Not away as such that I will end our friendship, but as such that I'll not be (am already less) as proactive in talking with him and trying to help. It'll wind up to where he pretty much always will have to ask me for help rather than my acting on my sensing of his need. We've gotten to know each other very well over the past several years, but as I get to know myself better, I don't want to experience the worry and pain.

Meeting with Sponz this afternoon, then a trip to the tanning bed (I know. I know. But I do it rarely and it's a nice little vacation - reminds me of being on the back of the cruise ship in the middle of the Caribbean), perhaps some dinner and then a meeting.

I am so at a loss for what to write.

My throat is a wee bit funky which leads me to think I have been getting sick over the past week or so. That would help explain my lethargy over the past several days. I wonder if I've acquired a secondary infection after being weakened from my illness last week. Meh.

MP, FA and I have been looking at houses. MP wants to move closer to his new job site and I've been wanting to move from the 'burbs to downtown. FA is interested in getting out of downtown and more in the 'burbs. It's a shame his house is too small for us and our house is in the wrong direction for him. Anyway, it's kinda fun looking at houses, though MP and FA get into way more than I do. I've told MP that I do enjoy it, but I don't want to be overwhelmed with it. (Especially since financing hasn't been fully explored and we'd have to sell our house to buy the new one.) Until it's a bit more realistic, I don't want to get in too deep. I'd likely get my hopes up on a "perfect" house and be pissy when things don't go my way. I'm gonna float on this stream and see where we go.

Have a great weekend.

I just set up a website for my coworkers (former and soon-to-be-former) to stay in touch during and after the shutdown of our facility. After feeling a bit down and blah (I do wonder if I'm a touch ill.), the opportunity to do this presented itself. Initially, I didn't want to be bothered with it and set up a kludge in Yahoo Groups. I didn't like it, so I registered a domain name and set up our own little forum on it. Now we'll wait and see if folks use it. Either way, it got me out of myself for the cost of a few lattes.

Carry on.

I was a bit into my head this weekend and it got a bit rough. I talked with MP about it a little, kinda just getting it vocalized. Basically, the final gist of it is that time off of work now is not what time will be like next year. I'm still very much in the headspace that when I have vacation/holiday from work, the object is to chill out and do little. To relax and enjoy the time, maybe working a bit on personal projects, but generally taking a break. Well, I just had five days of it and it was not all that great. Friday I was out sick and that was lay around the house and be cooped up time. Thankfully, that bit didn't last, but the deadhead did. I couldn't get motivated to do much of anything. Add on top of that the extra 2 holidays for the 4th and I had plenty of time to be nutty. It wasn't so very bad - I've had much worse. I did go to the Saturday night meeting and a small group of us went to the theater. (Go see "The Devil Wears Prada" - It's fabulous!) Anyway, I think you probably get the idea. I was stuck in lazy mode and that messed with my head since nowadays I'm usually run, run, run.

Running all the time wears me down and I know I don't get enough sleep most of the time, usually about 5 hours. I slept TONS over the past 5 days, sleeping until noon one of them and generally until 9 or 10 the rest. Getting up at 5:30 this morning was horrible.

What I'm circling the drain on here is this:
Come next year, after I've gotten the VACATION!!! bit out of my system, I'll establish routines that I just don't want to even try right now. Right now, when time "off" is only in bits, I just cannot even think of getting up earlyish, getting ready, going to a meeting, getting coffee/breakfast, exercising, and running my business. That's what I imagine my routine will be like, but I just can't bring myself to do it when I've only got a day or two (or five) to do it and then I'm right back into the grind. However, not doing it during these past few days and not feeling up to much of anything got me thinking that the past few days are what next year will be like. Bad projection. Realistically, I don't think that's how I'll be, but whilst right in the midst of it, that's all I could sometimes see.

It will be different and I hope it'll be somewhat like I want. Still, that's over half a year away. I've got to live here today. Right now... I want a nap!