raanch

Doing my inventory was drawn out over many months. Before I got a sponsor, I wrote a few things down on paper and locked them in a firesafe that only I had a key to. I needed to do this to help get them out of my head, for they were bouncing around in there like Mexican Jumping Beans on Starbucks and speed. It helped.

When Sponz and I got to Step 4, I started my list. But first, being the anal-retentive (that's hyphenated, right?) alcoholic geek that I am, I had to take the forms we decided I'd use and recreate them on my PC. THEN the list was begun. My list was very, very long. I did a lot of it and I started to feel better. So... I stopped doing it. (makes sense, right?) Then I started to feel worse, so I'd do some more work on it. A time or two more of this and it was time to finish this thing.

I scheduled a Thursday off from work and went to the public library with my list. I'd printed it out by now, 'cause the PC thing just didn't cut it. This needed to be messy. Writing tiny, around corners, in margins, etc. was simply how it needed to be done. I was at the library from about 9:00 a.m. to about 5:30 p.m., with a lunch break. I worked hard on my inventory, but realized there was no way I'd finish that day. (Oh! I forgot to mention: I had scheduled my 5th Step with Sponz for that Saturday morning. Not finishing was not an option.) Sometime mid-afternoon, I called my boss (he knew what I was doing) and requested Friday off. No problem! He's been very supportive of my recovery. I started wrapping up that day's work around 5:00 p.m., but was feeling pretty low. I decided to list some good things about me. That helped. About 5:30, I headed to a meeting. That really helped.

The next day, I went back to the library (no distractions there) and finished my inventory by early afternoon. Finished meaning I stopped. Much like a painting, it's never finished... I was as honest and thorough as I could be at the time and I apparently was quite honest and thorough. I've not needed to tell Sponz of anything I left out - nothing has come to me that was left out. I was pretty objective in the whole thing and that allowed me to list everything: the bad, the ugly, the unforgivable.

Many years ago, I had to have a series of medical treatments; the process of each was very embarrassing. During those, I somehow detached myself from me. I thought of myself very much like an animal being tended by a vet. It just was... I'm not saying I had an out of body experience or anything like that. I/Ego/Sam was just a separate thing from the body I inhabit. This was maintenance of that body. Similarly, I viewed my working of the 4th and 5th Steps as a maintenance thing. Something that needed to be done for my good. Much like I detached from my body for the medical treatments, I detached from "old" Sam to do the inventory. I wish I could explain it better, but that's the best I've been able to do.

When I finished my 4th Step, I visited a friend in the program during the rest of the afternoon and went to the 6:00 p.m. meeting. As a matter of fact, everytime I worked on my 4th Step, I went to a meeting afterwards. I'm glad I did, for as much as taking that inventory got me into my head, the meetings helped get me out.

As I've heard shared in meetings, "will" and "lives" can also be thought of as "thoughts" and "actions." That's a lot less churchy for me and works well in my life. What I've found or learned or simply believe is:

• There is Something under/over/throughout everything. That Something is what I call God.
• When I align my thinking and actions with this Something, this Order, my life is easier.
• When I do things my way and bulldoze through life, my life is harder and certainly less enjoyable.

I've thought about this for a long time as the Flow. If I think of that Flow as a river:

• I can swim with the current. (Actively aligning my thoughts and actions)
• I can float downstream. (Accepting life and waiting for changes - "Simmering" as Tab puts it)
• I can move towards the edge and run into things. (Make choices that aren't quite "the next right thing")
• I can swim against the current a little and stay still. (Get all up in my head)
• I can swim hard against the current and make my way upstream. (Fight against anything and everything, doing what I want; it's all about me)
• I can ball up and sink like a stone. (Escape through drinking alcohol)

I like my life best when I am swimming with the current and second best when I'm floating downstream.

Regarding Step 1: I am flat out, no question about it, definitely and absolutely powerless over alcohol. That's it. Now, given that I don't think I'm really all that different from all those crazy-assed "normal" people out there who can drink alcohol successfully, what's up with me? Well, I have much of the same issues as "normal" people and I want to escape them sometimes. The difference is, simply, I cannot escape them (successfully) by drinking alcohol. (Truthfully, neither can "normal" people! They just get a temporary escape...) My body reacts differently to it and, when I consume it, I don't know if I'll stop after a few drinks or after a few days. Therefore, it is better for me not to introduce it into my body. Not having that "medicine" for when I don't want to deal with life's issues means I need to deal with them some other way. I'm learning that way in recovery and something I heard not too terribly long ago says it well:

Alcoholics Anonymous does slowly what alcohol used to do quickly.

Regarding Step 2: Being a GenXer, soundbites are my friend. Sometimes, I just need things broken down even simpler than 12 Steps. What Sponz told me is:

Step 1 is the problem. Step 2 is the answer. The remaining Steps are how to get to the answer.

In keeping with the post, Looking For One-Night Stands, an experience this weekend zinged me a bit. Having friends, real friends, takes work. I'm a lazy guy in some respects and one of the ways that is manifested is that I don't have many friends - close friends that it. I've always, since childhood, had one to three close friends and that's about it. Sure I have many friendly relationships, but their not part (at least usually) of my inner circle.

Well, I was not in a great headspace the latter half of last week or this weekend. Culminating on Sunday morning, I needed/wanted to be around friends and that just wasn't happening with my partner or my best friend. I felt alone. There were people I could call, but I really wanted to be around people and just to be around them. I didn't yet want to talk about what was going on in my head.

The choice I must make is somewhere in the realm of:
Do I keep my close friends small in number so I can feel like I have time to invest in them, yet have time for me?
---or---
Do I try to increase the number of close friends I have, taking time away from the ones already in my life and/or not having as much time for me?

I'm still selfish and self-centered...

I went to a men's meeting last night. It's one I go to regularly, though not frequently. It's an uncomfortable meeting for me because I still do not relate well with straight men. Still, I go and sit with my discomfort and try to get something from what's shared and, hopefully, a little but more comfort, a little more of a feeling that I belong and am accepted. I do know this is in my head (mostly), but I can't just turn it off and I can't or won't just turn it over and leave it. (Set it and forget it!) Still, it gets a little better and, if I'd go to men's meetings more frequently, I bet it'd get better faster. (Typing this shit out really helps...)

Anyway, back to the title of this post... One of the fellas last night talked about how his disease manifests itself in more ways than just alcoholism. He said he had sometimes, at 3:00 in the morning, gone to Cook Out and gotten a big, thick, greasy burger and devoured it trying to change the way he felt. He said how "at that moment, my disease is in a burger." I can relate to that. Whenever I try to change the way I feel by eating, I'm all up in my -ism. Damn if recovery can't be trying. The knowledge of my actions not being "healthy" can really be irksome. Sometimes I'm almost defiant to "healthy living" and act out.

This morning, I decided I wanted a Burger King breakfast, something I've not had in a long while; not before work in at least a year. Now if I'd been eating healthily for the preceeding time, it would likely have not been a cause of that "I'm not being good" feeling. BK wasn't even open when I got there. They were supposed to be, but were having computer problems. I waited... I got the breakfast and thoroughly enjoyed it. Fortunately I don't feel guilty about it. However, I need to arrest this behavior of eating too much and most definitely the behavior of eating to change my mood.

I was doing very well for the past several months, but when I got sick a couple of weeks ago, the gloves were off. When I'm sick, I will have my comfort in food if that's what my body wants. Fortunately, I'm not sick very often. (I'm a lot healthier now that I don't drink and don't smoke!) I need/want to get back to eating to not be hungry rather than eating to be full.

Anyway, getting this back to alcoholism, I'm grateful that I know that alcohol is not safe for me to put in my body. I'm glad that the option to change how I feel by using alcohol (or drug abuse) is just not on my menu. I can eat a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese and two large fries, a large tea and lots of cookies and I know I will still be relatively OK. One drink or drug and I have no idea where I will go. I'm glad I can choose not to drink. I can pretty much call any day a success when I have not had a drink that day. ("pretty much" because there are plenty of things I can do that would kinda null the idea of a day being a success... Say, a murder spree?)


Diseases are something that most people will have to deal with at some point in their life. With all of the diseases out there it can be difficult to recognize if you suffering from something. Luckily, you can easily conduct a symptom search online that will give you the medical information you are looking for before, or even after, visiting your doctor. If being healthy is important to you then visit your doctor regularly and stay up-to-date on what's happening in the medical world. Find a reputable and well-known medical website to help you in your quest for a healthier life.

Wired News: Drinking Problem? Try Drugs

What is remarkable about Vivitrol and the drugs currently being studied on alcoholics is that, unlike abstinence programs, their success is not measured exclusively by the duration of a patient's sobriety. There's an unspoken acknowledgment among experts that while lifelong abstinence is the gold standard, reducing intake beats consistent hard drinking.

...

Vivitrol, she says, "will enhance, not replace" treatment approaches like Alcoholics Anonymous.

...

... the placebo effect alone can treat conditions like alcoholism, as reflected in Vivitrol's trials.

I can see the benefit of these drugs for temporary relief from alcoholism... temporary relief. As many people working 12-Step programs know, a non-drinking drunk that's not working on why he drank is, well... let's just say he's likely quite unpleasant. If some folks can use these drugs to get away from alcohol long enough for the physical craving to subside and for recovery to begin, then more power to them. Dose 'em up! But, if the desire is for the drugs to cure the alcoholism or for occasional binges to be the norm, then the poor soul taking the drugs is in for a miserable time. I went into recovery to feel better, for I felt like total crap. I stopped drinking. I still felt like crap. I started living my life differently and have for almost three years. On occasion, I still feel like crap. But, the frequency of those occasions has greatly diminished and is still diminishing and, when I do feel like crap, I don't feel like drinking. That changes everything...

As someone was sharing in a meeting last night, part of what they said flipped a switch in me. I started thinking about how, when I was drinking, I was so extravagant in my spending yet would not let one drop of alcohol go to waste. I would buy my drinks, your drinks, strangers' drinks, but be damned if I would leave any of my drink in my glass! I remember getting a bottle of wine at a steakhouse and no one else in the party wanted to drink it. Well, I surely wasn't going to let it go to waste! Seeing as how I couldn't take the open bottle with me, I sat right there and drank the whole thing in the probable hour and half we were there. I was so drunk. Then we went to the sports bar (a frequent hangout at the time). I don't remember anything else.

My desire (compulsion?) to finish consuming things is strongly proportional to their cost. If I'm full, I'll likely not eat the rest of my McDonald's food, but if I'm paying $20 for a steak, it's all going in me! Still, that was never the case with my alcohol. Expensive or cheap, it was all going in me! (*unless it would be available for me later) I always viewed it as such a precious (can you hear Gollum saying "precious"?) thing, not to be wasted. Sound like an alcoholic?

*It's interesting that when I had PLENTY of vodka on hand at the house, I didn't get nearly as drunk (I don't think...) as when I was going by the fifth. It was ludicrous to leave a few shots in a fifth, but there was enough in a half gallon that what was usually left was too much to finish the bottle that night, but still enough for a good buzz the next day. Complex alcoholic or run-of-the-mill drunk? [wink wink]

My grandfather is doing better. I got to visit him on Saturday and, though a bit loopy from the drugs, when he was "there," he recognized me. That was comforting. I'll visit again soon.

I'm (we're) still looking into the robotic mower. I think we're going to get it. We need to do some measuring before ordering. My coworker suggested putting a wireless webcam on it and setting up a "mowing my yard" website. Geeky enough that I may do it!

The long Easter weekend was nice, but uneventful. I suppose uneventful is OK.

Obviously, I don't have a lot to say today. Perhaps more will flow tomorrow.

My grandfather is not doing so well. He's to have another surgery this evening to install a dialysis pump for his kidneys. Apparently, they've been damaged for some time and have been damaged moreso from the diuresis done three times prior to the heart surgery. He's again retaining fluid, causing breathing difficulty. He's also hallucinating from sleep deprivation, being unable to sleep due to the constant activity in the ICU. They plan to induce sleep for a couple of days after the surgery.

Though hopeful, I've been realistic through this and am not surprised at the complications. I am thankful that his doctor did not rush his release from the ICU. At least in there, he is receiving the most vigilant care he reasonably can.

Finally, the end is in sight! (or at least known...) I received my "end date" letter this morning from my employer. My employment terminates on December 31, 2006. If I stay until then, I will receive a nice severance check. I certainly plan to stay.

Now that the date is known, I can commence to making plans for After. It has truly been an exercise in patience and a reminder of powerlessness. I really am not in control of my life. Oh sure, there are many things about it I have control over. But, ultimately, there are just too many variables, too many things I have no control over that have significant impact/control/consequences in my life. If trying to control all that doesn't drive a person to drink (or other), then that person is far from normal. I'm glad I don't have to own all those variables. The only thing I need to learn to control is my thinking and my lack of thinking (i.e. my instincts/reactions). If I keep growing there, I'm going to be just fine.

Yesterday, I was working with my accountant, who is aware of my recovery and is familiar with the 12 Steps. We were reviewing my taxes (WOO HOO! REFUNDS!!!) and setting up an accounting program for my small business. As we were discussing what was done and what we want to do, it hit me: we'd kinda done some step-work. The gist is we'd performed a financial 4th & 5th to do my taxes, will be doing 10 when we frequently review transactions on the accounting program, and once a year we'll do another mini-4th & 5th when tax time arrives. Of course, there are some other pesky little steps available in all this; they really do apply well to many things in my life.

Of course, there's more initial 4th & 5th work to do on my and my partner's (our) personal finances! The funny thing is that in briefly discussing that, he mentioned something about goals and spending and I replied, "I imagine I should check with you before I do things like, oh... I dunno... BUY A CAR???" He chuckled and said that the car purchase was kinda like pulling a big ol' drunk before going into recovery! Ya think I got nailed???!!! We had a great laugh about it. (And, he really didn't beat me up about the car purchase...)

My grandfather is coming along nicely. Off the respirator, sitting in a chair, should be having "real" food for lunch today. It is anticipated he'll leave ICU tonight or tomorrow. Then I'll be able to visit him. I'm looking forward to it, though I am a bit nervous about being around family I've not seen in 19+ years. (I have only visited him at his store, rarely running into family whilst there.) Inevitably, though they should all know by now that I'm gay, someone will ask me if I'm married yet. I talked with my boss about that this morning. It is, after all, a standard question asked of and by almost all family that's not been seen in awhile. My answer to the question, when I don't want to be bothered or the center of attention, has often been, "I'm as married as I can be." That has proved to be good enough on many occasions. We'll see how I answer this time. I may simply say, "I've been with my partner for seven years." Anyone who's not been under a rock ought to be able to understand that. Funny how the little things wiggle around in my head...

I don't seem to be worried about running into my father. That seems to be a non-issue now. We'll see how that goes when happens. I imagine I'll still have an adrenaline surge. Some things I just can't control, even in my body. Imagine that... powerlessness. Glad I'm not in charge here.

My grandfather's heart surgery is today; it should be happening right now. I called his room and got to speak with him just before the took him to prep. I'm feeling so OK with all of this that it's almost unsettling. I love him and will be sad when he's gone, but I'm not worried about it. My biggest concern/worry/request/prayer is that he doesn't suffer in fear or in pain. I feel for his wife, children and other family that are going through distress during all of this. I'm available to help however I can and his wife knows. I plan to visit him as soon as possible, but I don't know when that will be. He'll be in the ICU for several days at least. All I can do right now is wait for news... and pray.

A friend is going on vacation to another country and asked me for suggestions on how to find a meeting there. I first directed him to the PDF of international contact info on the AA website. His destination country is not there. I also suggested asking the concierge at the hotel. Of course, looking in the local phonebook is an option. I've even heard of asking a bartender. What other ways might you suggest?
________________________________________

What's up with the news being reported today? I heard on two news reports that pouring hard liquor on your flowering plants is good for them! It stunts the stem and leaf growth and produces more flowers. (OK, who thought of pot when I mentioned this? More buds, less stems???) Beer and wine are too sweet for the plants. It certainly was no alcoholic doing this research! Would you ever have poured your alcohol on plants?!?!!!

A friend of my partner (and friendly acquaintance of mine) has gone and gotten drunk. It's affecting my partner fairly roughly, for the friend spent time with us for several hours Saturday night. Then he went to a party...

He's pretty new to the program; had about 60 days and was in and out a couple or so times before that. I can relate to that. I picked up several start chips, a few 30-day chips and I think a 90-day chip before I went out for about 6 months. When I came back I started again, got a 30-day chip, got drunk and then picked up what I hope will be my last start chip.

I downloaded some audio files from the AA Grapevine (Funny, I just typed "Grapevice". A wino has a grapevice! snicker snicker) and in one of them a fellow mentioned his opinion about "slipping" in early sobriety. It was much to the effect that one can't really slip when one hasn't gotten any traction yet. That was me! I just couldn't get any traction in my program until it was time, until I hit my bottom. That bottom was when I was trying to commit suicide after about 6 months of more drinking.

After about 45 days, I drank one more time. I'm ambivalent as to whether that was still not having traction or it was a slip. Doesn't really matter... The point is: I got traction and haven't slipped in 2 years, 9 months and 15 days. I pray that I keep good traction.

My hope is that this fellow gets good traction. While my wish is for everyone that seeks it to get it, I especially hope that this one does. That might not be politically correct, but the realist/cynic in me is not too surprised when some of us go out. This one surprised me and it saddens me that such a good person with so much potential, who was seeming to get it, falls under John Barleycorn's jackboot.

Untreated alcoholism sucks. Recovering from alcoholism can be so amazing. It's a shame so few of us are.

I used to joke that I didn't have a mean streak; I had a nice streak. The rest of me was mean. It seems fitting to say I have a patient streak...

Something that came to me the other day:
When I'm getting ready at home to go somewhere, I leave when I am ready. Therefore, I try to get my timing as such that when I'm ready, it's the right time to leave. (Granted, this in itself can cause stress if I start "on time" and things don't all go as planned... That's another post.) Something that has caused a bit of pissiness in me is when my partner and I are getting ready and he's not ready when I think we should leave. Now, sometimes my impatience is legit for he is running late. I've even driven without him to prevent my temper from having a heyday. It has caused some stress, but not nearly what my tantrum would have. However, often it's just that he's not ready and I am - there's plenty of time before we have to leave. When this occurs, why get all pissy? Well, it's because there's not enough time for me to work on something or get into anything. I don't know what to do with the extra time. (You've probably already got where I'm going with this.) Why do I have to do something? Why not just sit down and have a moment's peace? Epiphany! Yeah, I know... The obvious usually completely evades me. But, eventually I often get it.

Here's to a small, simple way of growing that patient streak.

...I'm supposed to post today.

I've had my head in reviews and operation manuals for a new lawnmower, a robotic one! We went to purchase a new riding mower yesterday. Actually, we did purchase one, but I returned it before we even left the store. Do not give me shitty customer service, Home Depot, especially on a big ticket purchase. So, I've checked into Consumer Reports' review on lawn tractors and found one that interested me. We set our price point to around $1000 and, while Froogling for prices on it, I saw the Friendly Robotics RBL850 for about $1100. Now I had looked at these a few years ago, but was not in the market for a $1000 mower. (They were even pricier then.) Now that we're looking to spend that amount, I'm willing to check it out. So far, it's looking pretty good. I'm halfway through the user manual and have read about 40 consumer reviews on it.
_______________________________________________

I'm feeling MUCH better today, thanks to the Z-Pak I got on Friday. Hooray for medicine! I'm off to meet with Sponz in a few minutes and will be dancing with Grandsponz later this evening.