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The Journey's the Thing...

Check out Johhnyboy's latest haiku. #16-18 really gets to me.

The quandary today is whether to write a post, read the many blogs I've not been to in awhile or actually do some work. Unfortunately, work calls... I do have the whole blogroll open so when I get back to my desk, I can hopefully get some reading in.

The other night, I had a couple of messages in my inbox from my voice messaging service. Only I (and occasionally my partner) use the phone number associated with the account; I use it to leave myself reminders in my email when I'm on the road and such. It doesn't have a greeting, just a beep. These two messages were not from either of our phone numbers. I played them. The voice was that of a teenage boy. His first message was to a girl, telling her (awkwardly) how he thought she was pretty cool. The second message was him leaving a joke for her, one of the dead baby jokes I remember from my childhood.

I called the number the messages came from, to let him know he'd called the wrong number for this girl. I didn't get him. Instead, I got his voicemail. The greeting was very disturbing, very like something I'd have had on my voicemail greeting (if it had been available) when I was in my mid-teens... when I tried several times to kill myself. His greeting was apologetic to anyone he'd hurt; his voice was resigned and low, that of one who has given up.

I left a message. I told him why I was calling. I then offered my phone number for him to call if he wanted to talk "it" over with a stranger who'd been there. I ended my message encouraging him to hang on, that it does get better.

He has not called. I didn't think he would.

Sitting in a meeting last night (and also on Friday night), I remembered all this and wondered what was going on with him and worse, what may have happened. I sent myself an email reminder to call him. (My rememberer is very deficient...) This morning, I searched through my main email account, looking for his messages. I couldn't find them. After repeated variations of searching, I began to think something magical, something God may have occurred. I decided to write about it.

While writing this post (over the past hour or so - lots of interruptions...), I remembered it was not in my main account, but in my business account. I logged into that one and there they were: three messages from a number I don't know. (Three instead of two... bad rememberer...) I just called the number. It rolled directly into voicemail with the same greeting. The greeting is much like "If you're hearing this message, I'm already in school. I'm sorry to everyone I've hurt. I love you all. (slight sob) I'm sorry I'm not here to talk with you right now. Sorry."

I left one more message. I reintroduced myself. I told him I was just checking in because of the way his greeting sounds and I'm available to listen or talk. I also told him I would not call again; that I was not stalking or anything like that. (It's a shame I felt the need to say that...) I left him my phone numbers and ended the call.

I hope this kid is OK. One of the things I pray for each morning is for me to be of some use, even if I don't know it. Perhaps this is one of those things... Like the rumored stranger's smile that stopped a person from going to jump off a bridge, maybe my simple call, my offer to listen, my taking time for someone I don't even know will be of some use, will help this kid in some way - even if we never cross paths again.

It feels good to be sober. It feels good to care.

In a recent conversation on alcoholism and how drinking affected our relationships with our significant others, a friend made a statement that struck me. I asked if I could use it; he said yes.

Booze creates fucking and fighting relationships - never something in the middle where real life happens.

Incredibly succinct, yet thoroughly insightful... Thank you, John.

Over the past several days, I've been redesigning one of my other sites, samiam. It's something I have put off for a long while and I finally got ready to... [phone's ringing]

Just got off the phone with a friend in the program. He called just to chat; we haven't chatted in awhile. When I get off work, I'm going to head home, take care of the beasts and then pick him up at his place. We're going to go to the coffee house near the club; he's not been there. Wow, how his voice lifted when I asked if he'd like to go! I like how things work when I'm available for spontaneity. It would seem that when my plans are removed, cool things have a way of happening.
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The party last night was fun. Grand Sponz and I had seven guests! Everyone of us was on the dance floor. I took a few pics with my phone's camera for blackmail purposes. They'll be up on samiam sometime soon.

The dance studio is having a guest party tonight (read: recruit your friends). Grand Sponz and I have several friends slated to come. They get to see professional dancers and probably us, too, and we get a free dance lesson for each guest we bring. Nice trade-off... Also, it's an alcohol-free event; they're always welcome.

Bugley says,"Animals suck. They're more trouble than they're worth. Love, Brad." He's bitchy tonight. Yeah, I know... Obvious.

I'm posting this from my new laptop while sitting in my new favorite coffee house, Coffee at the Summit. The coffee house is just down the road from the Summit Fellowship Club, where I used to attend meetings almost every day. That has changed in the past 6 weeks. My home group went non-smoking at the first of the year. We never could have predicted what was to happen from that move. I don't think we've lost many (if any) attendees due to the change. At least, not directly... SFC still allows smoking in the kitchen side of the house. That's why we didn't lose any smokers; they can smoke in that room during a meeting and still hear kinda OK. Still, many just don't smoke during the meeting now. Instead, and here's the rub, they chain smoke before and after the meeting. The smoke has been so think in there on occasion lately, that even diehard smokers are complaining about it. It's bad. Unfortunately, it's actually been cold around here now and neither smokers nor non-smokers want to hang out on the porch. I think something's in the works to make SFC smoke-free or to provide an enclosed space for smoking. Until then, I'll continue to experience one thing I just recently became aware of... miss out on the before and after meetings. You know, the chatting and such. I can't stand to be in the place with all that smoke, so, when I do go, I show up no more than 5 minutes early and leave immediately afterwards. I miss talking with some of those folks. Perhaps I oughta use the phone, huh?

Also (call me a queen...), I hate to wear any decent clothing there now. As badly as my clothes stunk before my homegroup went non-smoking, they are doubly worse now. I can't believe how impaired my sense of smell was and/or how hypersensitive it's become.

Thankfully, there are TONS of meetings in Greensboro. It seems to me we have a disproportionately high number of meetings compared to many other areas our size. Here's a link to our Intergroup site's schedule.

I received my new (to me) sub-notebook PC today. YAY!!! I ran home at lunch to retrieve it from the front porch and have been configuring it. I'm meeting some drunks at Panera after my workout and am going to teach them how to use their wifi laptops to access the Internet in public places. I'm looking forward to the evening.

Dancing with Grand Sponz was a lot of fun last night. We've agreed to sign up for six 50-minute lessons and 4 hours of practice parties. I really think I'm going to love knowing how to dance and doing it. It's also going to help me get further in-shape. Man! My hips are sore!

I'm trying to make my rounds on the blogosphere, but as you can see in my sidebar, I've really given myself a task to try to do daily. I did get to visit about half of the list yesterday. I'll start from the bottom tomorrow. Imagine that... an alcoholic overdoing his link list to a point he can't keep up! Hard to believe...

Overheard in a meeting in my early sobriety: "Anything worth doing is worth doing til it kills me."

We finished the 10th Step in the 12 & 12 meeting last night. That's a full week of 10th Step stuff I've been seemingly (at times) inundated with.

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

I think the biggest thing I've gotten from this go round is increased awareness of my instant rage. You see, I'd quite relegated the 10th Step to an end of my day thing and not too hard-hitting either. This step does not say "Continued to take personal inventory at night..." I need to stay on top of my program, practicing all these principles in all my affairs. The spot-check inventory is something I need to practice. I have greatly improved, but I've a long way to go. The times from incident to awareness to apology/amends are shrinking. God willing, they'll someday be reversed in such a way that I'll catch the incident before it happens. (Actually, this has happened on occasion...) Then I pray that the frequency of "catching before" increases until it's second-nature and becomes unnoticeable to me, for it will simply be me.
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Meeting with Sponz this afternoon, then to a meeting and then dance lessons with Grand Sponz. I met Great Grand Sponz on Wednesday. Actually, I already knew her; I just didn't know she was my Great Grand Sponz. She's cool! (as are Grand Sponz and Sponz!)

Sunday's and last night's meetings were very much on Step 10. After Sunday's, I felt a bit beat up. Sunday afternoon was a bit rough to put it mildly. Sunday night (12 & 12 on Step 10) felt almost like a chastisement for my earlier behavior. Last night's discussion found us roundly talking of pain, fear, acting out and living so as not to need to make new amends. At the end of the meeting last night, as we circled to end the meeting, I thanked God for the lessons and asked to learn from them. I thanked God for the all the lessons, the ones that hurt and the ones that go easily. Last night, I made a good start on the amends I need to make and live from my actions on Sunday. Below is what was waiting in my inbox this morning.

Today's thought is:

To avoid pain at all costs forces us to reject half the lessons life can teach.
--Jan Pishok

If we could remember that every experience we'll ever have is unique and offers us a lesson we will grow from, we'd accept them all with far greater ease. What's there to be afraid of anyway? God is never absent. In fact, God is present during every experience. Remembering this makes us courageous as we walk through the turmoil that interrupts the peaceful times.

Before coming to this program, we feared most of the situations that called to us, and understandably so. We were often trying to do the improbable without the wisdom or the guidance that might have guaranteed success. By taking the Third Step every morning of our lives, as has been suggested, we can positively influence the outcome of every experience we'll have. Hallelujah!

I will not avoid any experience today. I'll simply remember that God is present and that I need to know what calls to me.

You are reading from the book:
A Woman's Spirit by Karen Casey

PS: I like that many of the dailies I get from Hazelden are from women's books. There is so much in most of them that I (and I think almost any man) can relate to. It's a shame so many men will never read the contents of these books simply because they're for women.

I was a bit under since Sunday evening. Glad to be getting back into the swing of things.

Wondering what opportunities are available for me come unemployment time... A coworker notified me of some sites with some info about severance and collecting unemployment insurance. My severance pay will not be taxed by the state. YAY! I was expecting about 28.6% to be withheld. Now it looks like it'll be around 22.4%. That's a nice difference. Also, it looks like if I'm enrolled in college classes at the time of my termination, I can collect unemployment insurance immediately. Otherwise, I'd have to wait 'til my severance period ran out. I've a bit of research to do on this. Gotta have all the facts...

Thanks for all the comments while I was away. I hope you all had a wonderful Valentine's Day or Tuesday, whichever.

We spent much of the day with Granny today. I'm glad we did. We intended to leave about three or four hours before we did. I'm glad we stayed. She shared a poem with me that was read to her class when she graduated from high school (11th grade; there was no 12th grade then). She received a book of the poet's poems as a graduation gift from her neighbors. This was in 1936.

Sermons We See
by Edgar A. Guest

I’d rather see a sermon than hear one any day;
I’d rather one should walk with me than merely tell the way.
The eye’s a better pupil and more willing than the ear,
Fine counsel is confusing, but example’s always clear;
And the best of all the preachers are the men who live their creeds,
For to see good put in action is what everybody needs.

I soon can learn to do it if you’ll let me see it done;
I can watch your hands in action, but your tongue too fast may run.
And the lecture you deliver may be very wise and true,
But I’d rather get my lessons by observing what you do;
For I might misunderstand you and the high advice you give,
But there’s no misunderstanding how you act and how you live.

When I see a deed of kindness, I am eager to be kind.
When a weaker brother stumbles and a strong man stays behind
Just to see if he can help him, then the wish grows strong in me
To become as big and thoughtful as I know that friend to be.
And all travelers can witness that the best of guides to-day
Is not the one who tells them, but the one who shows the way.

One good man teaches many, men believe what they behold;
One deed of kindness noticed is worth forty that are told.
Who stands with men of honor learns to hold his honor dear,
For right living speaks a language which to every one is clear.
Though an able speaker charms me with his eloquence, I say,
I’d rather see a sermon than to hear one, any day.

I got a call Wednesday night that really made me feel good. A program acquaintance who's recently back a few months from going out called late that night. We'd seen each other in a meeting the night before and several other times in meetings since he returned. I hesitated to answer his call (or any that late), but upon seeing it was him, I did. After all, it's a total rarity for him to call. We talked for twenty or thirty minutes about things he shared in the previous day's meeting. I told him about how I thought he was looking good, as though he was really trying to take care of himself. We spoke of how he was doing things he wouldn't normally do, like signing up to chair meetings, calling people and looking for a sponsor.

My heart skipped a beat when he said the sponsor bit. At the meeting, I was thinking about him and how I thought there could be a sponsor/sponsee relationship between us. I did not bring it up with him, there or on the phone. He told me of someone he'd asked to sponsor him, but she was full-up on responsibilities. He mentioned he discussed with her another possible sponsor. We also talked of my sponsor and our relationship. I'm not going to insert myself into his recovery as a sponsor, but if he were to ask me, I would give a tentative yes and check with my sponsor. I can, however, simply become a friend. That may very well be exactly what I'm supposed to be.

Oops. Forgot to post yesterday. Had my nose in my business's financial books all day, getting ready to hand it all over to a CPA. Good thing this blog isn't akin to a dead man's switch... (Or is it?)
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I went to a meeting last night that I've attended several times. A friend aptly described it as a Baby Boomer group. I don't feel as comfortable in this group as I do in others. Much like "We will know serenity and we will know peace," the knowing means I also know when I don't have it; feeling like I'm fitting in and being accepted is something I know and I also know when I don't feel it as strongly. Granted, not feeling it has been known by me for a long, long time. This group's meeting are often very good and I like them. I think something coming into play to help cause my discomfort is the fact there are many straight men there that are right around my father's age. He disowned me when I was sixteen for being gay. Another factor is there are quite a few guys that are younger than me in there; one's I'd expect anti-gay stuff from, not bashing, but epithets hurled as insults to each other and general unacceptance of gay men. So, what I'm surrounded by in this meeting are (and there are women there, too) men who could be my father and men who are what my father wanted for a son. The funny thing is, I feel more comfortable, though not by much, at the men's meetings where many of these same guy are in attendance. An observation is that there are extremely few "grandfathers" in the mixed meeting. There are more in the men's meeting. Seems that the protection & comfort my grandfathers gave me is somewhat manifesting a need for older kind-souled men when I'm around many other men. Hmmm...

I often start these posts with a specific thing in mind and think I know the gist of what will be written, only to find it goes somewhere unexpected.

My sponsor asked me recently about progress on my ninth step. I talked about my father and my awareness that it's a big one that's scary, but will likely yield big results in me.

When I started my first recovery blog, I was keeping a tally of money saved by simply not buying vodka. I haven't calculated that number in a long time. Here goes:

Weeks since last drink: 137
Fifths of vodka per week: 5
Cost of fifth of vodka: $16
Insane (monetary) cost of all that liquor: $10,960 (Holy shit!)
Sobriety: Priceless

Granted, my partner was consuming part of those purchases, but that's still a conservative estimate of what we'd have spent just on vodka from the ABC store. Insanity, thy name is was Sam.

I got thinking about this because of an article I read this morning about the cost of drinks in bars/clubs in New York City.
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Last night my grand sponsor and I had our first dancing lesson at the new Fred Astaire Dance Studio in our area. We both had a great time getting a taste of Foxtrot, Waltz, Rumba, and (my favorite!) Swing. We're going again on Friday for a practice party and for another private lesson on Monday. What fun!

After the lesson, we hopped across the street to Starbucks and had a wonderful conversation that lasted over an hour. It was the first lengthy one-on-one conversation we've had. She's such a dear person! I greatly look forward to more time together.

I had a good weekend; hope y'all did, too. Nothing really momentous happened, though Saturday was my sponsor's 31st belly-button birthday. We (16 of us!) enjoyed dinner at a Japanese steakhouse and several of us went to her home to play cards and drink coffee.

I guess the point of this post is about "joyous, happy and free." I've had more and more weekends where, when I come to work on Monday, I want to tell my coworker all about my weekend. I feel as if I did tons of neat stuff, have been on vacation, basically just had lots of fun. Yet, trying to relate it to almost anyone is extremely difficult; it all translates into the mundane. Words cannot capture what transpired beyond the facts, cannot express the details of what must be... living joyously, happy and free. I gots me some chills running down my spine right now!

Promises...

I'm supposed to write something today... Almost forgot.

Got the iPod playing (EJ - Don't Let the Sun...). Got some white/green tea fusion on the warmer. Got a PC setup going. All alone in the lab (means I can sing along). Ready to leave. Unless a guy on Freecycle calls to come look at an engine I'm probably going to go to the new coffee shop and read or play chess. Perhaps a friend will join me there. Meeting tonight at 6:00. Beyond that, I dunno. If going out with friends is an option, I'll likely do that. If not, then home to watch Netflix selections. Watched a documentary Wednesday night of gay boys and circuit parties, When Boys Fly. There's still a bit of sexy allure to them (I've never been to one), but the filmers did a great job of showing the underbelly of the whole thing. It was a good little boost to my recovery, seeing the pain of the party.

Have a good weekend.

People at work are pulling out photographs from as far back as 1988, when the plant was being constructed. I have my own little stash on a table in my office. There's quiet all around; the paging system seems to be used less than half as much as it was. Legitimate job hunting emails are getting caught in the spam filter; I release them to their intended recipients. Job hunting successes are being realized and people will be leaving soon. Conversations often include: "Remember so and so?" "What was that guy's name?" "When did you start?" "Are you staying?"

There's a bulletin board in a main hall with photographs showing the grand opening party and the first Christmas party. Two of the people in the photos are dead. One from suicide. One from alcoholism. Either could have been me...

I'm grateful to be here to be grateful.

Since I'm joining Granny (and friends who've adopted her as their Granny) for lunch, I'm cheating a little bit and posting an email I just sent to an AA group on Yahoo!

I, too, find heavy drinking parties (and bars/nightclubs) boring and unappealing. I want to carry on a conversation and people are either too drunk to do so or can't even hear me over the music.

Anyway, non-alcoholic beer (near beer) is for non-alcoholics. Like has already been suggested, in such early sobriety, "faking it" at a drinking party is probably a bad idea. Even if one doesn't drink alcohol at that time, it reinforces behavior that will likely lead to drinking. A fit spiritual condition AND a set of tools (provided by working the steps) will allow me to go anywhere. If I do not have both, I'm likely to get in trouble. Spending time with people in recovery is what was (and still is) best for me in my early recovery. WIth them, I can practice social skills that are awkward (in the least) for me without alcohol being my social lubricant.

It works. That's why I keep coming back.