Off The Meds
I'm off the meds (I last took on at 5:00 yesterday evening.), am taking OTC now and am doing OK. I am happy to say that I am getting back to my old new self, but still have a way to go.
I shared some of what I wrote about yesterday in a meeting last night. An oldtimer I respect took my slapped me around a bit for whining and not being grateful to have the meds. That hurt. The oldtimer left immediately after saying that bit and, thankfully, it was near the beginning of the meeting. I did not leave the meeting feeling worse than when I walked in, though I thought that was going to be the case. Many people shared along the lines of what I had shared and we all ended the meeting laughing. That helped immensely.
Still, what had happened was rattling around in my head when it was time for bed. I wrote an email to the oldtimer. Some of it is here:
I'm glad I'm off the meds. I'll flush the remainder in the next few days. I wish I could give them away and am checking with a service organization to see if they can take them. I have my doubts and I will not just give them to someone without a medical professional being involved. My conscience will not allow it.
I shared some of what I wrote about yesterday in a meeting last night. An oldtimer I respect took my slapped me around a bit for whining and not being grateful to have the meds. That hurt. The oldtimer left immediately after saying that bit and, thankfully, it was near the beginning of the meeting. I did not leave the meeting feeling worse than when I walked in, though I thought that was going to be the case. Many people shared along the lines of what I had shared and we all ended the meeting laughing. That helped immensely.
Still, what had happened was rattling around in my head when it was time for bed. I wrote an email to the oldtimer. Some of it is here:
I'm sorry, but I need to write this to get it out of my head before I try to go to bed. Please exercise your well-practiced delete keystroke if you don't want to read it.I still don't quite know how I feel right now. It's certainly some state of uneasiness, but I can't quite get more specific than that.
I am playing what you said over and over in my head. It comes to my mind when i'm focused on nothing. What you said hurt and shocked me. However, it's not the first time I've been slapped by someone in the rooms whose opinion I respect. I've looked for the lesson in this experience and, so far, what I see is that I should look for things to be grateful for in more than one perspective and not to overlook the simple things for the complex ones.
I was, in a roundabout way, sharing how I was grateful to have gained a conscious contact with God and how this "bad" experience with the pain meds has shown me what I really have gained. I am grateful for the relief the meds have provided. It is sad and frustrating and many other things to watch a loved one suffer. I hate that [your friend] has the injuries [your friend] has. I know how such pain can be; I've had my own. I was in no way trying to whine or be an ingrate about having received these meds and I'm sorry that's how my sharing came across. I was sitting there, after you left, thinking of giving my meds to [your friend] and then how wrong that could be. It was so hard for me to stay in that meeting. But I did and I'm glad I did.
My interpretation of what you said was that [your friend] had already had surgery of some sort and was stuck at home, in pain and unable to come to a meeting. I truly felt like crap. My eyes welled up and I felt those chills when [your friend] walked into the meeting. When [your friend] shared, though [your friend] didn't know what had happened, [your friend] talked directly to me and it was a very big deal to me. I'm so glad that what I envisioned was not the case. I'm glad I got to hug [your friend] and talk with [your friend] for a moment.
I was mad at you, mad for your hurting me, embarrassing me, for dressing me down. And for your not staying around so I could address what you said. I'm glad you didn't stay, for I'd have likely tried to talk before thinking about what had happened. I still feel a bit odd and imagine I'll feel a little awkward the next time we meet. I am not mad now and I don't think I'm still hurt, either. I don't know how to describe what I feel, but do know that I am appreciative of the lesson. In my arrogance, I missed the part about simply being grateful to not have great pain. I'll still try to find the more subtle lessons in what I experience, but I will now try even harder to see the obvious ones, too. Plainly obvious things have often evaded me for much of my life. The more I can become aware of what they are, the better chance I have of discerning similar ones all around me.
I'm glad I'm off the meds. I'll flush the remainder in the next few days. I wish I could give them away and am checking with a service organization to see if they can take them. I have my doubts and I will not just give them to someone without a medical professional being involved. My conscience will not allow it.
