More on Sharing Pain
I was talking Granny yesterday and voiced something that I had not shared with anyone. I've just felt it a few times and yesterday was one. I miss Daddy Bob. We only saw each other an average of every eight to ten weeks - sometimes more often, occasionally less. I felt his being gone really hard a couple of weeks ago. Often my visits with him were unplanned. I would have an unexpected bit of time and would just go to his store. I had one of those times recently and the feeling to go visit him was so strong. Time had passed enough since his death that it was time for us to visit again. Now I can't. It makes me well up with tears. I do love him.
I shared this with Granny (my maternal grandmother - Daddy Bob was my paternal grandfather) and, though she has many years of experience and has lost many people in her life, she couldn't say anything more than the same things we always say. And that's OK. I've often been cynical about the platitudes so often said with seeming insincerity about things like a loved one's illness or death. Now I get it. What is there to say? It's not what is said; it's the saying. It's the sharing. It's what I wrote about yesterday - different, but completely the same.
If I'm hurting, I need to talk about it. I need to share it. I know I can write. I know I can pray. Those can help, but I think I get the greatest relief from sharing with someone else, even if all they can do is listen. The thing is, (codependent moment here) I don't want to bring someone down. If I really need to talk, I can. But why "ruin" someone's good mood with my stuff? Why risk it? I know that I cannot "make" them feel anything, but let's get real here. Most people do not own their emotions and do not operate as though what happens to them has no control over their feelings. I know I don't. I question whether I ever will. I think that's the realm of very few humans.
So, when MP was telling me of his wonderful evening, glowing and grinning from ear to ear, should I have told him of my stuff that could quickly bring him down and diminish his joy? I opted for "no" because it wasn't that important. Still, sometimes I've just got to get these things out. I suppose that's where having a bevy of friends to call on comes in handy. But still, I don't know what they're going through, whether they're on Cloud 9 or in the depths of personal Hell or just cruising along at 55. Perhaps I should call them and ask about them first. Maybe then I won't even need to share my stuff. Perhaps then I can make an informed choice whether to share it with them or to simply visit or to let them share with me.
Taking care of myself is not wrong, but it doesn't feel right to cause any amount of harm to someone just so I can feel better. Even if they say it's OK.
I shared this with Granny (my maternal grandmother - Daddy Bob was my paternal grandfather) and, though she has many years of experience and has lost many people in her life, she couldn't say anything more than the same things we always say. And that's OK. I've often been cynical about the platitudes so often said with seeming insincerity about things like a loved one's illness or death. Now I get it. What is there to say? It's not what is said; it's the saying. It's the sharing. It's what I wrote about yesterday - different, but completely the same.
If I'm hurting, I need to talk about it. I need to share it. I know I can write. I know I can pray. Those can help, but I think I get the greatest relief from sharing with someone else, even if all they can do is listen. The thing is, (codependent moment here) I don't want to bring someone down. If I really need to talk, I can. But why "ruin" someone's good mood with my stuff? Why risk it? I know that I cannot "make" them feel anything, but let's get real here. Most people do not own their emotions and do not operate as though what happens to them has no control over their feelings. I know I don't. I question whether I ever will. I think that's the realm of very few humans.
So, when MP was telling me of his wonderful evening, glowing and grinning from ear to ear, should I have told him of my stuff that could quickly bring him down and diminish his joy? I opted for "no" because it wasn't that important. Still, sometimes I've just got to get these things out. I suppose that's where having a bevy of friends to call on comes in handy. But still, I don't know what they're going through, whether they're on Cloud 9 or in the depths of personal Hell or just cruising along at 55. Perhaps I should call them and ask about them first. Maybe then I won't even need to share my stuff. Perhaps then I can make an informed choice whether to share it with them or to simply visit or to let them share with me.
Taking care of myself is not wrong, but it doesn't feel right to cause any amount of harm to someone just so I can feel better. Even if they say it's OK.
