Fear of People?
I had a full, possibly overwhelming, weekend. The conference I attended was quite good. Three of the five speakers really touched me - so much so that I bought recordings of their talks. Another touched me, too, but not as such that I wanted to "rehear" it. Another I did not like, BUT was able to get something from the sharing. That's progress, indeed! All in all, I'm glad I attended and I will again. (I just added next year's to my calendar. Thanks for the reminder. You're welcome. Thank you for thanking me.)
The one thing I think I may try differently next year is with whom I attend. Don't get me wrong! I love all four of the guys I was with through much of the weekend. It's just, as I expressed it to MP, I got tired of the group being a power greater than myself. I own all of this and make no bones about it. Fortunately, awareness has allowed me to learn from it. The hassles I put upon myself so that we were all together were... (Well, let's just say I'm glad I got to hear a black belt Al-Anon speak.) Trying to find (and save - I hate saving!) five contiguous seats for each meeting sucked. No one asked me to do it. I did it because I wanted to have a good seat up front and because it was nice. The waiting for people to smoke and use the restrooms was interminable. The trying to come up with plans for lunch sucked. The coordination of vehicles sucked. There were an awful lot of good moments in the whole weekend, but my attitude and outlook changed around lunch on Saturday. It never quite recovered until now and I feel that's still a little tenuous.
I didn't have to do any of the things that sucked. I chose to and let little things get to me. Then I chose to again, even when I knew I didn't like it. So, next year I am going alone or with MP. If friends choose to attend, that's wonderful and welcomed. However, I will not have it in my head that we are all on a date! I can split off and talk with people (which I did some, but with an eye on or out for my group) and make impromptu choices to be with them for awhile - maybe have some lunch or something. I can sit with different people and can take a (preferably empty) seat anywhere I like. Why oh why did I impose all these restrictions upon myself. Something the Al-Anon said comes to mind... It has to do with "treading water" in a lake of liquid shit. My shit.
Hopefully, when the next opportunity to do so comes along, I'll remember this weekend and choose to do something I wouldn't normally do. After all, I get to see these guys all the time! Why not meet AND get to know somebody new?
I'm glad I got this out. Now I need to clean up with the guys. (hmmmm... w/ raised eyebrow)
The one thing I think I may try differently next year is with whom I attend. Don't get me wrong! I love all four of the guys I was with through much of the weekend. It's just, as I expressed it to MP, I got tired of the group being a power greater than myself. I own all of this and make no bones about it. Fortunately, awareness has allowed me to learn from it. The hassles I put upon myself so that we were all together were... (Well, let's just say I'm glad I got to hear a black belt Al-Anon speak.) Trying to find (and save - I hate saving!) five contiguous seats for each meeting sucked. No one asked me to do it. I did it because I wanted to have a good seat up front and because it was nice. The waiting for people to smoke and use the restrooms was interminable. The trying to come up with plans for lunch sucked. The coordination of vehicles sucked. There were an awful lot of good moments in the whole weekend, but my attitude and outlook changed around lunch on Saturday. It never quite recovered until now and I feel that's still a little tenuous.
I didn't have to do any of the things that sucked. I chose to and let little things get to me. Then I chose to again, even when I knew I didn't like it. So, next year I am going alone or with MP. If friends choose to attend, that's wonderful and welcomed. However, I will not have it in my head that we are all on a date! I can split off and talk with people (which I did some, but with an eye on or out for my group) and make impromptu choices to be with them for awhile - maybe have some lunch or something. I can sit with different people and can take a (preferably empty) seat anywhere I like. Why oh why did I impose all these restrictions upon myself. Something the Al-Anon said comes to mind... It has to do with "treading water" in a lake of liquid shit. My shit.
Hopefully, when the next opportunity to do so comes along, I'll remember this weekend and choose to do something I wouldn't normally do. After all, I get to see these guys all the time! Why not meet AND get to know somebody new?
I'm glad I got this out. Now I need to clean up with the guys. (hmmmm... w/ raised eyebrow)
