raanch

"Good" days don't necessarily pay attention to calendars. I would've hoped that yesterday and today would have been "good" days (since yesterday was my third sobriety anniversary and today I'm picking up my chip), but they instead were/are "irritating" days. Knowing full well that some fellow employees read this from time to time, I'm tempted to not post some of the crap of yesterday and today. But, it's real. It's mine. And it's not a CLM nor an SEM. (Career Limiting Move - My career here is ending in six months! Severance Elimination Move - Don't wanna screw that up!)

I'm bitchy and irritable and it's mostly (maybe all) of my own doing. Certainly, since I'm aware of it, the choice to stay bitchy and irritable is all mine. Since hot weather came to our area and I have bought new sandals and Crocs, I've been wearing them to work. My appearance has not been shabby, but it's not been all "business" either. I knew it and figured/hoped it would be a non-issue since we're closing. I got away with it for many weeks. Policy has been implemented to stop such footwear. It pisses me off, because my getting away with it for so long automatically means it's now my right to wear such shoes and my employer's taking that away is unfair. Yeah, right. Call me back when you have some real problems. Still, I recognize the "truth" of the matter, but viscerally, I HATE any authority exercising power over me, especially over petty things. So my snippy little mind has gone through (and hashed it over with a couple of coworkers) many things I want to do to act out against THE MAN. I know... Get over it. My mind really does know that and I agree. Apparently, not all of me agrees.

I've heard and read the story of the two wolves (good and evil) a few times and twice in the past week.

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between "wolves" inside us all.

One is Evil.
It is anger, unforgiveness, bitterness, stubbornness, envy, jealousy, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority,lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good.
It is joy, peace, love, hope, forgiveness, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather:
"Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied,
"The one you feed."

I'm trying my best to overfeed the good one right now and starve the bad one, but I'm having difficulty keeping the bad one down. Acting out on any of this could certainly be an SEM and I don't think I'll do it. However, I want to stop thinking it! It's really brought about a bad attitude in me - something I run with very well! I'm hoping writing about it will help me let it go. I have prayed often about it.

So, in addition to the "losing something I've got" bit, I also didn't get what I wanted regarding posting on my anniversary. I woke up last night with cramps in the bottoms of both feet and in the top of one! (Hmmm... foot cramps & shoe policy... voodoo?) I have been bumping hard into things left and right for weeks, causing bruises and wounds galore. I'm damn tired of that! I'm pissed at myself for not acting how I want to act. I'm really beating myself up literally and figuratively! STOP!!!

I must admit, I do feel better having gone through writing this.