raanch

Asking for what I want or need sucks. I don't mean asking for material things; it's the intangibles I find so hard to request. I've operated for a long time with the notion that if I have to ask for an emotional need to be filled, then the filling of the need is diminished by my having to ask. The person filling the need should know my need; I shouldn't have to ask. Yeah, I was born on a world populated with mindreaders...

The facts boil down to these:

• I can not ask for what I need and not get it. (Sucks, but whaddya expect?)
• I can not ask for what I need and get it. (This is how it's supposed to be! Rarely happens, though...)
• I can ask for what I need and not get it. (Ouch! At least I asked and I know that the person knew of my need.)
• I can ask for what I need and get it. (I get what I need and the person who gave it knows a little more about me. I may not have to ask for that type of fulfillment again. Or... maybe I will.)

I actively tried this over the weekend. After breakfast on Saturday, we were discussing the plans for the day. After having a bad sunblock lotion and sand experience on Friday that I did not want to repeat, I voiced my desires. Simply, I wanted to get ready for the beach before we went to it and I wanted to come back to the house when we were finished. I didn't want to go anywhere for a lengthy time (especially walking) with sand stuck to my greasy body and residing in places where sand ought not to be. It was hard to say what I wanted. I did not do it well. Still, I did it and my desires were considered (and met!) in the planning. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and the discomfort of stating my wants/needs was worth the outcome. Now I need to polish the act of stating my wants and needs. As I do this more often, I know it will come more easily and more eloquently. People are not entirely familiar with me doing this. (Though some may heartily disagree... But there's a difference between being bitchy and asking for what I want/need. I have bitchy down pat! Just ask my partner and Fidus Achates!)

I've been talking about some pretty hefty stuff with Sponz over the past many weeks and it seems that lack of communication is a big issue for me. I've always thought of myself as an excellent communicator, but I'm really starting to see those skills from others' perspectives. I know that I know exactly what I mean when I say something or communicate in some other form. (Telepathy, anyone?) I'm starting to (even as the words are coming from my mouth) notice how what I'm saying may be taken another (or many other) way(s).

"To these, many A.A.'s can say, "Yes, we were like you--far too smart for our own good. We loved to have people call us precocious. We used our education to blow ourselves up into prideful balloons, though we were careful to hide this from others. Secretly, we felt we could float above the rest of the folks on our brainpower alone. Scientific progress told us there was nothing man couldn't do. Knowledge was all-powerful. Intellect could conquer nature. Since we were brighter than most folks (so we thought), the spoils of victory would be ours for the thinking."
--Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions - Step 2 (emphasis added by me)

Um, yeah. That's me. (The "'s" in "that's" is kinda "is" and kinda "was" - I look forward to getting further away from "is.")

Sponz has told me that after awhile, I won't just be working the Steps, they'll be working me. I think I'm being worked upon.