raanch

I know that I am more attuned to hearing/reading things that speak to my current situation with my family. Still, the preponderous amount of relevant material that's been in my awareness over the past few days has got to be beyond coincidental.

Last night, I picked up a book I bought about a month ago. A friend sent me links to a recorded radio broadcast of an impressive psychotherapist, Joe Kort. After listening to his interview, I checked out his website. That night, I purchased two of his books. One is "10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives." I started reading it immediately. Chapter 2 is on coming out. Having come partially out at 14, almost completely out at 17, and finally plain ol' out by 19, I didn't see what I could get from this chapter. I trudged through with a "been there, done that" perspective. The reading got boring. I slowed my reading and then paused for awhile. I did get to the next chapter, the title of which I just had to look at: "Resolve Issues With Your Family." Funny. When I started this chapter, I was certainly not where I am now in so far as family. I had no clue what was coming.

When I started reading last night, I picked up where my little Post-It flag indicated I'd stopped. It was about the middle of page 51, right in the middle of a point. As I started reading, I realized I didn't remember the context, so I jumped back a paragraph, then another, then another. With Mr. Kort's gracious unrequested permission, I'll share a bit of his book here (emphasis added by me):

In order to achieve a state of differentiation, you must remain connected to other family members. I agree with Bowen's conclusions about the importance of families staying in dialogue with one another, even when they disagree. My experience as a therapist convinces me that being open and honest with your family is a move toward stronger ties, as is allowing them their own reactions.

The only reaction that's not acceptable is blame directed at you. All members must be able to express their opinions honestly - but without the intent to wound or blame. Otherwise, it's Jerry Springer time! If wounding or blaming occurs, then self-preservation, not reactivity, prompts a cutoff. And that is appropriate.

If family members are prone to physical violence or addictive behaviors and won't remedy the problem or get help, then protect yourself. If you try working out difficult issues with your family, do they continue to disrespect you? Are they unwilling to change their beahvior or take responsibility for their part in a dysfunctional relationship? Do you keep going back, only to get emotional and mental abuse each time? Cut-offs under these circumstances are not reactive or immature.

Some family members say they want to mend or heal, but they don't want to be accountable for their role in the problem - making any relationship with them unsafe. They will say things like "I am not doing it intentionally" or "You are being too sensitive," or they'll deny their role completely and say "I don't know what the problem is" even though you have told them repeatedly. Focusing on your family's behaviors more than on what they say can often indicate the truth about how they feel about you. It may just mean they cannot say it or admit it to themselves and consequently to you.

Remove yourself from the family environement to find a more secure way to deal with them. Sometimes resolving family differences means extremely limited contact or no contact at all. Making this decision in nonreactive ways is not a cutoff. This is self-preservation.

I've a mixed bag of feelings about this. I have behavior to make amends for. This I can and will do. I will not apologize in any way for being gay. I have done some of what's above, but I think not quite in the right order. I cut off my family out of embarrassment and shame. It was easier to leave them out of my life than to come back and face my fears of only a few. As I move through the next parts of all this, I will try not to approach family members with my perceptions of them from 19 years ago. I will try to be open, honest and willing; to be fair to them.

Another wonderful quote:

"Serendipity is a sign that we're letting the universe organize the events that lead to answered questions and fulfilled dreams."
-- Karen Casanova